For several weeks I’ve been working on some posts, but I cannot seem to get them completed. When I first started this journey, my goal was to post something at least once a week. I’m finding that the more chemo cycles I go through, the less energy I have. Doggonit, I’m tired. I don’t mean to complain. What I mean is to be is honest and tell it like it is.
I’m tired of very little quality time with The Hubs. I cherish my time with him. I miss not having the energy to go on a date or even to stay awake long enough to watch a hockey game with him. I miss not being able to do every day chores, talking, or spending quiet time with him. I’m tired of missing him.
I’m tired of my husband having to carry the load of the entire household. He is so weighed down with his job, his dad, and then he has to come home and manage the house. I need his help to keep the dishes caught up or fold some laundry. Through it all, he never complains. I miss being the helper my husband needs and deserves.
I’m tired of being achy all the time. The constant feeling of having the flu is overwhelming some days. It is a challenge to get comfortable. I’m tired of sleeping on a heating pad to manage the pain in my back. I’m tired of sitting on the side of the bed in tears because I’m at a loss on what to do.
I’m tired of not being able to think of a common word. It is so embarrassing when I can’t come up with a word like “towel”. The Hubs is so patient with me and tries to help me find the right word. He loves me so.
I’m tired of feeling disconnected from friends and church. Walking pneumonia took almost two weeks to get over. That was two weeks of missing church. I miss meeting friends for coffee or lunch. I feel like I don’t know what is happening in anyone else’s life. That feels selfish.
I’m tired of fatigue. Good days are down to two or three a week. One of those days is dedicated to the treatment chair. On my good days I can be awake about six hours before my body calls it quits. On my bad days, well, I only make it a couple hours before I have to shut down.
I’m tired of wearing beanies. Sure, I have a lot of them. Printed ones, solid ones, ones with sparkles. You name it, I’ve got it. They are a reminder that things are different for me right now. I’m tired of not being able to do anything with my hair. I would be excited for a ponytail.
I’m tired of not fitting in my clothes. I continue to gain weight which leaves me few clothing options. I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m at home most of the time.
I’m tired of my house not being “visitor ready” because I can’t keep up on the cleaning. I know our friends and family do not judge. They understand. The floors need to be steam cleaned, the counters need to be wiped down, the dining room table is piled high, everything needs to be dusted, the vacuum needs to be run, and the bathrooms need a good scrubbing. I feel lucky if there are clean dishes to eat off of. And that is only because of my husband doing them.
I’m tired of feeling like I can’t catch my breath. I never thought I would need to use an inhaler, but some days I do. There are times that walking down the hallway or up the stairs makes me panic because I feel like I can’t get air in my lungs.
I’m tired of not being able to breathe. The boogers and blood clots have created a traffic jam in my nasal passages. It is no wonder I can’t get any air. Yet when I try to blow my nose, the nose bleeds start.
I’m tired of nose bleeds. Often they will start with no warning. It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting at the table or if I try to blow my nose. They are almost a daily thing.
I’m tired of people judging me on the rare occasions I use the handicap parking. In those instances that I do need to use my parking plaque, I don’t need people giving me the once over. They may not see any challenges. Trust me; I wouldn’t use the space if I didn’t need to.
I’m tired of having energy to only make short trips to the grocery store once a week. I want to get out of the house. On my good days I can make it to the grocery store for about 15 minutes or so and that is about it. I miss not going for a walk at the mall or around the neighborhood. I miss not having the energy to be out and about.
I’m tired of dry skin. The coconut oil is no longer cutting it. My face feels so dry all the time. I continue to look for a solution to give me a little relief.
I’m tired of breaking out every Thursday. It is like clockwork. About the time my skin clears up, the cycle starts all over. It isn’t just my face. My legs, arms and torso get hit as well.
I’m tired of dirty hair. Yes, I’m thankful that I have hair. Washing it only twice a week (hence all of the beanies) is enough to drive me crazy. I feel dirty and gross when I can’t wash my hair as often as I would like.
I’m tired of sleepless nights. Even on the nights I take something to help me sleep, I struggle to get good rest. Last night I was up at least five times. Each time The Hubs was right there with me trying to help me get back to sleep.
I’m tired of taking so many pills. My bathroom vanity looks more like a pharmacy than a vanity. Doesn’t matter that all of those pill bottles are in a pretty little basket.
All of this is short-term. It will come to pass and I’ll be stronger for it. But today, I’m so tired of not being me.